Scandalous Haaquib

The contents below is a mere fantasy that happened in the brain of blogger. All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to persons working in techmahindra is entirely co-incidental and non-intentional. 

Prologue: legal disclaimer is only for those people who don't know the truth. Its not for the eye-witnesses of the event.

I hate nearsighted people. Call me a supremacist, But I really hate such people. They can't resist their own temptation, and later cant' stand it and start complaining about it. I am sure that particularly this contemplation of my brain is mutually compatible with my esteemed friend haquib. Often I am able to conceal this proclivity, but he can't. That makes him a better supremacist.

We have a colleague in batch Tumb rayder, who apparently was shivering under the AC, rose up and asked her fellows...lets increase the temperature , I am going to fetch the room keeper. and when we watched her back with the room keeper, we suddenly realized that she really meant it. Oh god she is really going to get the temperature of training room increased. All eyes were fixed on her. such public display of courage, urged her fellows to say something. And to our surprise, they have begun debating over the topic:

"what should be the temperature".

Soon enough, the entire training room turned into a parliament. In that debate we were able to catch only few keyword.. make it 19.. no.. 22.. 27.. 25.. no.. 27. 27 is good. That was the maximum temperature that the Air conditioner could reach. but the parliament was not over yet. oh.. let it to be 25.. 23.. 24. The room keeper begun to feel finger-ache. Ignoring his sufferings they continued their discussion. Few boys who were claimed to be befriended with tumb raider and crew, has now temptatively joined the debate. Tumb raider, like baba ambedkar with right hand floating in air was trying to collect the final Integer on which the temperature can be set after mutual consensus. 

Surprised , petrified, stufied by this sudden change in ambiance, my eyes moved toward haquib. His face was full with a mixture of gaze, loath and irritation. Three fingers supporting his forehead, thumb near the ears, Eyes deep red digging into the keyboard. I watched him rising his head like a chameleon, looking up to find the leader, three fingers on forehead, moving towards tumb raider and opening his palm according to fleming's reversed palm rule with palm pointing straight towards tumb raider and the high degree of annoyance guided his brain to sending signal to his vocal cord to utter four dreaded words: 

"Arey ben ki ghodiyoooo!!!!"

Silence. 

Deafening Silence. 

haquib intended to say it in low volume so that it can only be overheard by the people in close proximity. 
The last bench!! 
US!! 

But, shit happens!! 

Sometimes a person wants to say something in low volume, but due to high quantity of emotions in heart, his voice becomes automatically stronger. Poor haquib.. He stretched the last syllable "oo" sound a little longer, allowed everyone to interpret correctly and completely understand the meaning and context in which the words had been uttered !! The best part was the phrase has not been said in singular form to a particular, but rather it was generalized to punish the group or community or even entire race that were involved in annoying haquib in past or unfortunately were present in the room at that particular time. 

The audience lets out a collective gasp. For a second, everyone was silent trying to figure out if he was being serious. Everyone started looking at him. Tomb raider became a statue of Ambedkar, with hands still in air, finger pointing toward AC. His dismal eyes met the deploring eyes of haquib for a fraction of a second and then went cold. She moved toward her chair, sat down and collected her head in her hands. 

This unexpected attention, for some reason, charged haquib even more, and he felt like continuing to talk…It would probably have been appropriate at this time to apologize and clean up the mess, but his brain, in its infinite wisdom, after searching over the near-infinite space of excuses, decided to send the signal to his vocal cords to say the following: 

“kya hua?? Tension kya hai bey.. Ye toh apna style hai.. hey hey hey”..

the forged "hey hey hey" noise was really touching. Once his head overcame the stupidity of the previous statement, it had no option to brace for the inevitable moment that follows such accidents. Before the scandal, haquib was known as a decent guy, Favorite among all over the technical issues in JAVA and SQL, always surrounded by the girls and boys in confusion. but after the particular event, no one among us had seen Mtthu in disturbance, solving other's problems rather then his. 


The utterance of those Four dreaded words from him, the four words that are the declaration of defeat, the four words that indicate a life long fall into slavery, the four words that will always haunt him for all of eternity, the four words that cut through him like the blade of a ninja sword: 

"Arey ben ki ghodiyoooo!!!!"

Epilogue: FEW words & few names has been disguised under the restrictions of censor infringement. Intelligent people are supposed to deduce the true words.

9 Pitchers

All characters in this story are fictional. Any resemblance to persons working in techmahindra is entirely co-incidental and non-intentional. And the people whose names rhyme with Nisabd,Sickil,dhaquib,bhakshat,she-vam,errrpit,dheeraj,dhohit have nothing to do with this story.

There. Now that we have the legal disclaimers out of the way, I can feel free to tell the story.

Back when we were in our ITP training,we enjoyed a lot. Especially during behavioral and VNA trainings. My trainer was always trying to “Develop My V n A”. For some reason, she believed that I can make it, and my complete lack of mastery in either V or A must have been worrying her. The problem was I overlearned that module. For the rest of the class she was asked to open their mouth."sickil.. Nisabd.. Open your mouth kids.. Aaaa.. Yes, more.. Put all four fingers in your mouth". But on my turn, she asked to close mouth.."ere..close, close your mouth.. Yes, good."

Since we haven't met a few guys from PUN30 batch for a long time, All in our batch has planned to meet in a local restaurant, GreenPark. It's always a good idea to have a meeting to catch up on the latest happenings going on all around in a pub. Because drunkards are a lot of fun to talk to, and the amount of sophistication they bring to a BC (Baat-Cheet (conversation)) increases directly with the amount they had to drink.There are several grades among drunkards. Novice, moderate and advance.

Novice Drunkard after 1 mug of beer:“…and the AMD careset-2 SCA project we
implement is done using COLD FUSION implementing Host Access and WebServices backend talking to front end GUI using WAFA vs01sign running on mainframe using
80880…”

Novice Drunkard after 2 mugs of beer:“…this bloody Tech mahindra ..you know... I tell you… They should all *hick* postponed *hick* ….err….. postponed the session for *hick* *hick* phoned … hmmm …. *hick* errrr…what?? What was I talking about?”

Novice Drunkard after 4 mugs of beer:“…and the mosquitoes in my fully furnished 2-bhk are going to infilitrate in our bathroom and don't let me sleep, and so we should buy annual screen awards to prevent the movie box office collection! HIP HIP HURRAY!!hahahahaha!!”

But there are some advance drunkards too who already have achieved higher grades. Looking at them, you can never know that they are drunk. unless you listen to them carefully.

advance Drunkard #1: *SIP* ...My computer constantly stuttering and jerking
while i play movies, and couldn’t manage to play the movie smoothly.*FAG*..

advance Drunkard #2: Indeed my esteemed friend. seems like there is some
problem with the engine of CPU. *SIP*.. may be the valve shaft....

advance Drunkard #1: My esteemed friend, you makes a very good point there.. but seems like you are already out. CPUs dont have any engines. hahahahha!! Alcohol working.*SIP*

advance Drunkard #2:*FAG* heyheyheyhey!! unlike me, my esteemed friend.. seems like you are out. thats why you are not understanding my genius metaphorical analogy.*FAG*...Conceptually the engines have similar functionality as processors in CPUs.

advance Drunkard #1 seems to be got impressed.
advance Drunkard #1: but how can I solve my problem? *SIP*

advance Drunkard #2: Hmm.. dont worry. There is no problem that i can't fix. look. the car jerks when its ..*SIP*.. when its engine runs slowly. all you have to do to make ur CPU run faster.like we push our cars to add velocity that is output of the acceleration produced by the Force originated from our arms..*FAG*,,! got it??

advance Drunkard #1: “If the system could run faster, why would Intel make it run slower deliberatly?”

advance Drunkard #2: “Because Intel is stupid. They probably don’t know it can run faster.”

advance Drunkard #1: “What? But they made the CPU! How can they not know?”

advance Drunkard #2: “Look… Do you know how your intestine works? The intestine is inside you, but that doesn’t mean you know how it works. it's functionality is hidden from you.just like abstraction concept in java.”

advance Drunkard #1: “wow!!!….Good point! got that!!”

advance Drunkard #2: Of course! The CPU is just like a intestine. by adding velocity you are making the intestine do whatever it does, only faster. as simple as that!

advance Drunkard #1 seems to be satisfied.


And during the discussions, waiter served pitchers one by one. And the drunkards begun to fall respectively. they were drinking without realizing that they have consumed already more than their digestion algorithm could manage within it's running time. And so, soon enough, all the drankards had sufficient amounts of alcohol in their blood stream, and we were having this very interesting incident when sickil got up in the middle of discussion. now for the guys don't know about sickil, he is biggest drunkard. and very cruel & wicked too. he was keep taunting & scolding other guys like "kya yaar tum toh pee nahi rahe ho.. kya yaar tum logo sey jada toh main pee raha hu..." and teasing them. Most of the guys are afraid of him. And at that moment, two more guys who were sitting in the other pub, joined the crew. One was errrspit.. And the second was she-vaham. But the commencement of two neophytes was overshadowed by the special performance from Sickil. Everyone was watching him. And almost all of us believed that sikil is a lazy person to take actions. But several beers he had consumed definitely helped lift his spirits. I was wondering if it was a good idea to let sickil carry on with his dance, but sickil had an air of confidence about him. It seemed like he had learnt some new secret moves, and nothing in this world was going to stop him. A dude brimming with so much confidence should not be stopped. If nothing, it’d be great entertainment for the rest of us.

And so, we watched sickil proceeding towards the stairs leading to the washroom. And a few guys followed him to prevent any undesirable happening.

Sickil walked straight to the basin, grabbed the basin's diameter in his hands as he was going to put that basin on the head as a hat, leaned into the basin as he is going to dive into it. And after that .... The digestion process created by the good lord for the sake of mankind got reversed. oo wayyy. sickel lifted is head, looked into our eyes. And smiled. And we saw the morphing of a happy face in the face full with grieve, once again.. ooowayy!!. After that, while we were on the door. Sickel saw an Englishman entering into the washroom. He winked at him and said "hi".. the firangi got amused and got happy as he was honored. there were two guys supporting sickil. but sickil froze dead on stairs."yaar tum log mujhe chod kar jao..yaar.!! main nahi chal paunga..please yaar mujhe khatam kar do yaar.. mujhe maut de do yaar.. please yaar..yaar please..main aatmhatya kar loonga yaar.. please yaar. tum log jao yaar.. mujhe yahi chod do yaar..!!!!". tum log mujhe chod kar jao yaar".and he ran in wash room again. To puke. Initially we decided to count how many time he passed out. But soon enough we lost count. at the moment we left the washroom, all the basins were filled and choked.

The waiter had already threatened to kick us out.On the table all the charming faces became exhausted and confused. And With enough juices inside, one becomes more talented,shrewd and intelligent automatically .one such guy ,errspit cornered me in the washroom.

errspit:dude are you from lucknow??

me: no not actually . I'm from fzd.

errspit: fzd? where is it?

me: near lucknow.errspit: ohh..yeah yeah. I remember that it was part of lucknow. and got detached.me: no that was barabanki.

errspit: barabanki was known as fzd once.

me(irritated by his history's knowledge): yeah you got it. the same. faizabad was part of lucknow. detached and renamed as barabanki. true! true!

errspit:have you bought any house in lucknow.

me:why should I?
errspit: beacause i have many contacts in lucknow. If you willing to buy then I can arrange, i have my foofa mama chacha.. etc in lko...and..

me(interrupting him): ohh cool. we should leave now..

errspit: ok.. but you know.. jankipuram area is damn good. HazratGanj is little
expensive.. but you can buy estates there if you willing to open a shop..

me: ohh!! ok... i m leaving.

errspit: i am planning to open a shop in Ganj myself..

me: which shop? I guess you are going to open parchoon shop.. I m also planning to perform the similar activity.

errspit: errrrr.., what is a parchoon shop?

me: ohh!! you dont know? the shop where you sell chooran. the things that can't be killed by bullets, can be killed by chooran. remember the product kayam chooran. its tag line was "Inka ilaaz goliya nahi.. balki kayam chhoran hai".

errspit(looking intersted): ohh cool. really? where can i buy the license for chooran ?

me: upstairs. come on! follow me.

when we reached at the table. everyone was already leaving. I followed them. The ambiance outside was very emotional, touching and educational. As i told earlier that with enough juice inside, people become intelligent,sharp,mature, and talented automatically.they become philosophers. Their admonitions are worth listening. Everyone was giving their theories over several topics worldwide except sickel.Sickel unlike others ,sitting in corner. eyes closed. apparantly he was in deep sleep.

And dheeraj was delivering his precious exhortation:

"yaar.. if you are drinking.. *hich* .. if you drink then you must do it *hick* *hick* ...do it..in control.. atleast you must be able to return home on your own legs.. *hich *hich.. look me I m going to go to home on my own legs.. "

dheeraj take one or two steps forward and collapsed into bhakshat..

bhakshat: control man.. control!! it doesnt matter that you puke while drinking, but you must drink again after puking. so that when you go to sleep. you should not say.. that i puked. you must say that i drank.Dude I have consumed bottles after bottles. and I puked.. but then i drank again.. and then puked again..i drank, and i puked. drank !! puked . drank. puked. and the chain reaction continued till i drank and slept.. hu ha ha ha ha ha ha !!at the end of day the fact that you slept not after puking but drinking matters.. hahhahah!! *evil laugh

but the real fun was to watch Nisabd sitting on his byke. apparantly he was trying to swim in air. both arms oustreched, swinging in air, like the trafic signal police. and two guys dhaquib and dhohit supporting him...

nisabd:"oye naahiiii.. main in dono ko byke se ghar chod kar aaunga...mujhe bikul nahi chadhi hai.. oye."

dhaquib:"can you drive in this condition?:

nisabd:"i am not sure.. par main tum dono ko ghar chod kar aaunga.. mujhe chadhi nahi hai bey."

me:okay.. batao two into two?

nisabd: four

me: ok..batao point two into two?

nisabd(confused): "yaar tumhe pata hai meri maths kamjor hai.. isliye nahi bata paa raha hu..tum meri kamjori ka faida utha rahe ho.. u are expoiting my weakness. par mujhe chadhi nah hai!! you knoooow *hick* i will *hick* i will drop both of them home.. then i will come back. *hick* *hick* and then i will drop u home too. after that i will return again. then i will go my home... chal ghar jaldi ho gayi der.. chal ghar jaldi ho gayi der *hick* *hick*". (nisabd singing with both hands up in air and rotating his wrists)

But having intellectually stronger people on our side, we called Nisabd's cousin and he took him to the home. And the rest of us also left Greenpark. the person who was most happy when we were leaving was sickil, who gave a hard time to washroom cleaners. He was very happy that the cleaners didn't catch him. Can't help but laugh imagining they have a security camera in their washroom and they find the culprit who has flooded their basins, and watch them to arrest him.

Next morning would have been a real fun for the drunkards when we watched the movie "the hangover" in training room. They were watching "the hangover" with complete hangover. Nisabd and sickil were sleeping on their chairs. Looking at their condition, our trainer made no attempt to update their knowledge base. We, the eyewitness to the whole incident can't help thinking:

"Some guys just can't handle the GreenPark .Some guys just can't handle the Pitchers".